Would You Trade Sex For Child Support? Baby Daddy Drama

I have baby daddy issues. He and I have known each other for nine years and of the nine we dated off and on, but mostly, we had a sexual relationship. There’s so much to us but here are the highlights: We were friends; I thought I was in love with someone else but he [my babies’ daddy] always knew about this; I became pregnant with twins; they were his not the man I thought I loved; the truth came out in ’08. 

I sued my babies’ daddy for support after he wouldn’t do what I needed him to following the first DNA test. The court drama is over now—I’m collecting support from him and he sees the twins two nights every week. 

We started back having “relations” a month before court and we have continued once or twice a week. I want a commitment, he says he does not want a relationship and marriage is not for him now but he loves me—I don’t get it. He also says I should have thought of this before I sued him. I told him he left me no other choice because he didn’t want to work with me after the first DNA test. He just bounced, sold his home and went MIA until a month before court. 

Anyway, we’re having “relations” and he’s visiting with the kids and taking them to random females homes that I don’t know. I’m allowed at his new home when the twins are there and our “relations” last 15 to 20 minutes top then I’m out. He may or may not answer my calls or texts that night or the next day, so I get mad and won’t pack clothes for the twins (BTW he’s supposed to have clothes for them at his house but he won’t buy clothes) or if he asks me to do anything like babysit or anything I won’t. 

I think he either is involved with someone else or wants some one else and he’s using me for sex and clothes for the twins. How sad is that? I want a man who my children know is their father but they have never seen us interact so they wouldn’t know we were ever friends. When I ask him to tell me if there is someone else he is silent and says he dates not one person in particular just if he wants to he will. He never has asked me out since all this began to go bad in ’07 after I caught him with a girl at his house hours after I left. 

Anyways, I want him. I want to raise our kids together but he pisses me off because if he told me he wanted someone else I’d wish him the best and move on. It doesn’t help that I am getting older and have these twins to raise and am not to willing to date at this time.
He has made all kinds of statements like he will only marry a nurse or an attorney. He loves me, but he wants a woman with assets. He has two other kids with two other baby mamas—my two are the youngest. Help, he’s not the best but he’s all I know. 

Dear Sucker For Love,
Let me read back something that you wrote that is very telling: “I want a commitment, he says he does not want a relationship and marriage is not for him now but he loves me—I don’t get it.”
What’s not to get? You want a commitment, he doesn’t. End of story. You both want different things. How much clearer can this man be? He’s basically told you point blank that “I don’t want a relationship or marriage.” He’s done his part and told you where he stands, the problem is you’re not listening.

You love him? That’s nice, but if it ain’t mutual it’s a waste of time and energy. You keep saying how he loves you like it’s some sort of magical excuse, but honestly, from what you’ve laid out, I don’t see this “love” you speak of. Just sounds like you want him to love you, but unfortunately we don’t always get what we want.
Just worry about loving yourself and your beautiful children; the man will come eventually. I know it’s easier said than done, but you’re wasting your time with trying to have a “relationship” with the father of children that extends any further than him taking care of his kids—court ordered or not.

The kids are actually what make this situation more complex because no matter what, you and this man are forever linked for LIFE. That’s why it’s real important for people to really take a long hard look at the character of the people they choose to sleep with, because even with protection, every person you lay down with could potentially be your co-parent. So don’t trust a big butt/dick and a smile, especially if that’s all he/she can offer you.

Now, as for your “relations” with this man, I find it extremely coincidental that he popped back up to lay pipe a month before court. C’mon son! Don’t get “dickmatized.” Sounds like he’s delivering the goods just to keep your mind off the focus of paying for his kids and giving you the false pretense of a “relationship.” Sorry to burst your bubble but that is not a relationship. He’s merely inserting his penis in you. At the bare minimum, I hope those 15-20 minutes are at least good. Otherwise he’s winning on both sides—gets a nut and a break on child support.

Sounds like you’re falling into a trap that many women/baby mamas fall into: “Oh, I had a baby and no real man is ever going to want me except for my asshole baby daddy, so I’ll put up with his BS ’cause that’s all I can get.” Fuck that. Know your worth and get top dollar for it. In the world of sex, the stock on booty is always in the woman’s favor. If the bachelor No. 1 isn’t interested because of your “baggage,” oh well, he’s not the right person. Ex one to the next one.

All in all this “relation” doesn’t seem to be healthy or fair to you. I understand wanting to have a family structure for your kids as they should have but you can’t force that with someone that’s clearly not interested in that. Your children’s father should play his part as a father but he can do that without having access to what’s between your legs. Don’t let him get over on that and don’t keep false hope of something that isn’t likely to happen.

I tell women all the time: listen to what a man says because that’s what usually is the real deal. Forget what his actions may make you assume, like, “Oh, he sleeps with me so he must love me” or “He comes around for a week or two and acts like he cares for me, so he must love me.” You can think that all you want but if everything outside his mouth is the complete opposite, you’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak. At the end of the day, this man’s mind is set on not being in a relationship or marriage and he’s said that from day one.

I want to point out something else you said: “If he told me he wanted someone else I’d wish him the best and move on.” Honestly, what does his relationships with other women have to do with you moving on? You’re giving this man way too much control and power over your life. Look at the logic you’re using here: If he tells me he had a girlfriend then I’d move on. I wish I knew if he was in a relationship so I could move on.
Forget what he has to do; what do you need to do? What do you want? Sounds like you already know what has to happen, but you’re just not making the decision to move on. I got one word for you: BOUNCE! Let him pay his child support and have his visitation. Please don’t use the kids as a weapon; whatever outside relationships he has with other women is irrelevant and should have no baring on his relationship with his kids.
Oh, and one last thing, y’all definitely shouldn’t be having any more “relations.” Don’t know if you do New Year’s resolutions, but that should definitely one of yours. I hope that helps.

Do you think it was suspicious that her babies’ daddy popped up a month before the court date? Is it possible that he’s using her for sex? Do you think he loves her like she claims? Do you think that this woman is setting herself up for a world of hurt by holding on to the idea of a relationship with him? Should she stop having sex with him and move on? Do you think whether or not her babies’ father has a relationship with someone else should matter to her? Do you hate the term baby mama/daddy? What did you think of my advice? Did I keep it too real?

This story is off chain I just had to share!

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