8 Rules of Interracial Relationships”
Although a certain small-minded justice in Louisiana may be overly “concerned” about biracial children, interracial relationships actually do present challenges not seen in mono-cultural relationships. Be sure to read the suggestions below before you jump in the snow! —Dewan W. Gibson
1) DON’T LIE
Be upfront about your partner’s race when describing him or her to others. If you’re uncomfortable discussing your partner’s race, how do you think others will feel? For example, there is no reason to identify (i.e. sugarcoat) your White American boyfriend as being German, Italian or Polish to your Black friends. It’s okay to say he or she is White! The same goes for a White person dating a Black person who claims to be part “Native American.” Don’t be fooled by a perm kit and VIP card to the tribal casino. He or she is Black, you should both be proud. Get over it!
2) DON’T LABEL
Unless he or she costs over 100k and can reach 60 MPH in three seconds, do not describe your partner as “exotic.” People who say such things are the same ones who label their folks as “my Mexican friend” or “my Black friend.” If you’re one of these people who believe everything revolves around race, an interracial relationship is probably not for you.
3) DON’T FRONT
Realize you’re not less “down” with your own race for dating someone of a different culture. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen young Black men grow dreads and rock a dashiki after entering a relationship outside their race. Just relax! Have the wisdom to
understand that those less open do not determine your level of Blackness, Whiteness, Latino-ness, Iraqi-ness, etc.
4) DON’T OVERREACT
Do not be overly sensitive to “racist” statements. Most often simple slips of the tongue (and brain) are not said with malicious intent. For example, while at a graduation celebration with a White woman and her family, her mother asked me to dance. After I hesitated she had the nerve to say, “Come on! I know you people like to dance.” My initial thought was to speed dial Jesse Jackson, organize a protest with Al Sharpton and release my inner Nat Turner. Then, I thought, “Big deal, a lot of Black people like to dance—so do many others—but you have to admit, we can get down.” Anyway, I gave her the benefit of doubt and assumed she didn’t think that dancing was the ONLY thing Black people can do well. Still, the “you people” statement was a bit bothersome. So I reached a happy medium. I chose not to dance, but also decided to not think of the mother as a racist. Everyone says stupid things. When you’re in an interracial relationship you will hear more than you might expect (even from your partner). Pick and
choose your battles wisely.
5) DON’T HIDE
Regardless what your partner says about their family having a “tough time accepting you,” absolutely refuse to be a secret to your partner’s family or friends. People tend to tell family and friends if someone great comes into their lives. If you have been with your partner for anything close to a year and have yet to meet his family, chances are you are not that great to him or her. My advice is to leave the relationship. Before you do, though, consider showing up unannounced at his or her next family event, just for kicks.
6) DON’T CRY
Realize that many of your friends and family may be tolerant of interracial dating—from a distance. I once dated an Arab woman whose aunt had Black friends, loved Black music and even looked Black at first glance. But when she heard her niece was in love with a Black man (me) it was a different story. She actually broke down in tears at the thought of my long caramel-colored arms wrapped around her niece. My only advice: Point out the contradiction and let the offended party get over his or her issue. If you’re an adult there is no need to justify your choice of a partner.
7) DON’T DISRESPECT
Do not dismiss your partner’s culture with statements like, “everyone is the same.” Yes, people are alike in many ways, but there are also profound cultural differences and there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging this. For example, if your partner is Muslim are you going to make him or her hog maws for dinner? Be respectful toward and enjoy your cultural differences.
8 ) DON’T FANTASIZE
Keep your racial porn fantasies to yourself. Meaning, if you’re a brother who watches movies such as Asian Muff and you just happen to be dating a Chinese woman, do not ask her to bind her feet, walk around ass-naked and serve you green tea with a hint of ginseng.
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