Shacking is Not Marriage…and I Am Not Divorced by:Talibah Mbonisi

Founder of WeParent.com: Talibah Mbonisi

As I do all this research in my effort to become the uber-co-parent, I continue to be struck by how much content and how many resources there seem to be for divorced co-parents. I find that the guidance is usually very relevant to my situation, but still I feel like something is missing…it’s not speaking to me fully.

My son’s father and I were never married. Frankly, outside of the Creator’s requirement that this brilliant child of ours be born, we had no damn business laying down to make a baby. Destiny demanded it, but we didn’t know each other well enough and didn’t have anything resembling a commitment. Ha! Or so we thought. Three months into our dating relationship and three days after I realized “it” really wasn’t coming, we found ourselves committed for life…but not to each other! Ends up that our only true commitment was to this busy little, back-talking, hip hop dancing (at least his own flavor of it), personality-for-days phenom of a son.

We did give it a go, shacking for a couple of years, but the fact is, we were never married. When we split up, there wasn’t a court system demanding that we take a four-hour co-parenting class or requiring us to file any official record of how we were going to work together in this parenting game. We didn’t transition to an acceptable “ex-wife/ex-husband” title. All anybody had to offer us was “Baby Mama” and “Baby Daddy”. And, thanks to Fantasia’s anthem (which I still secretly bump when I need a little Mommy motivation) and Fox News, we now have to give that up in the interest of being politically conscious, self-respecting educated Black folk. And, don’t get me started on the soccer games.

It blows my mind how with all the dysfunction that Soledad and CNN shared about our single-female-head-of-household families every dang parent at our son’s soccer games is married! They always assume that because we actually act like we like each other (and, we do most of the time) and appear to be working together well (and, we do sometimes), we must be married. When I explain that we’re not married…and no, he’s not my ex-husband, the contorted look of confusion uncomfortably staring back at me cracks me up. (I think he hates that I do that as much as he hates the idea of me putting our business in this blog.)

My point is not that we unwed parents are discriminated against, although that claim might stir up a little controversial back-and-forth on this tame little site of mine. I’m just saying that our situation is a little different than one in which a couple has been married. Not better, not worse. And, I guess I’m also saying that sometimes I find myself looking for that voice that gets me/us completely, that addresses those subtle but unique aspects of co-parenting between Mamas and Daddies who may have only come as far as shacking…or just having the little one, to keep it real. Sometimes, the romantic relationship, if it was even that to begin with, only gets that far. But, some of us still take this parenting with some degree of togetherness seriously.

I’m crying out for my special “ex-something” title that doesn’t make Black people shift secretly into Cosbyism and confuse even Black soccer moms. I want somebody, yes, even if it has to be the court system, to deem it important that I go to a workshop, or website or something that at least offers up adefinition of co-parenting. I want my son’s great-aunts to stop telling him that we were married in an effort to cover up the sordid scandal that is our truth.

Now, I don’t necessarily know why I want any of this…perhaps that’s another post, and perhaps I’m just tripping. But, just in case, if anybody knows where I can find an organization for single-co-pareting-never-married-professional-telecommuting-New-Age Mommy bloggers, sign me up!
Seriously, though, am I the only one feeling like this?

You can always check out more stories and great artlices at WeParent.com.

I would love to know what your thoughts are about this? You can leave me a comment or send me an e-mail at theessenceofone@gmail.com