'I love my children. I hate my life.' Do you agree?

I am always on the lookout for interesting stories or articles and today I found one. I would love to hear your thoughts about this article, you can leave me a comment or you can also e-mail me at theessenceofone@gmail.com .

If your having issues viewing the video you can always click on web link.
http://community.polls.todaymoms.com/_question/2010/07/15/4678455-i-love-my-children-i-hate-my-life-do-you-agree?GT1=43001
my-children-i-hate-my-life-do-you-agree?GT1=43001

In the recent New York Magazine cover story "I Love My Children. I Hate My Life," writer Jennifer Senior tackles the tough topic of parental happiness. She writes that while many parents say raising a child is a privilege that adds meaning to their lives, research shows parents are often more depressed and less happy than nonparents.
Her article set off a firestorm in online message boards in and blogs, with many critical of those who felt dissatisfaction with raising a child.
"Parenting is a selfless and lifelong vocation, and you must recognize that fact before you commit to becoming a parent," "judithod" commented on the article on nymag.com.
Others tried to figure out the root of the unhappiness.

The Motherlode's Lisa Belkin argues it may be connected it to the "helicopter parenting" phenomenon.
"Now that parenting has become a verb — an active, measurable, competitive thing — it brings with it an infinitely expanding job description. We create one for ourselves, different from our neighbors’, or even our partners’, but always broader than the ones our parents used decades ago. We recognize it as helicoptering when we see others do it, but from the inside it feels like what a good parent does." she writes. "And it is, in part, what is making us overwhelmed and unhappy.

Stephanie Wilder-Taylor suggested unhappiness could stem from unreasonable expectations. "I think the problem is how you go into parenting with these high expectations. It's supposed to be fun every minute of the day and it's such a rude awakening," she said. "Getting those kids dressed in the morning can sometimes be an extremely tedious experience. Unlike other jobs, you don't ever really punch out."
Click here for the TODAY video where Senior and psychotherapist Gail Saltz discuss the controversial article.

Results with 236 short comments

Total of 12,802 votes

35%

Yes. I do love my children, but I can't say I'm happier than I was before having them.

4,483 votes

33.1%

No. Having kids is hard, but the joy they bring is immeasurable.

4,233 votes

31.9%

Most of the time. I tell people that being a parent is the hardest job you'll ever have, but it's also the most rewarding.

4,086 votes

Yes. I do love my children, but I can't say I'm happier than I was before having them.

I luv my kids, but would luv 4 my hubby 2 keep them and let me go live my life! I feel as if I am missing out on life b/c of them.

Some help for the single man dating a single mother!

For many of us, dating someone with kids will occur at one point or another. When you eventually meet someone that has children from a previous relationship, it's important that you know what to expect and realize that this may have an affect on your relationship in the future.

Most kids find it difficult to accept the fact that their parent is dating. Therefore, it’s crucial that you make an honest effort to get to know their children and spend quality time with them. If the relationship escalates, talk to the children about how they feel about your relationship with their parent. Another important thing to consider is the impact of their ex on your relationship. This person will always be in your significant other's life because they bore children together; this infused a lasting bond between them. Before you get involved, decide whether this is something that you can deal with continuously.

If for whatever reason things don’t work out between the two of you, make sure that the kids don’t get hurt as a result. When you decide to break it off, you should both sit down with the children and explain the situation to them. If you choose not to, some kids might think that you ended the relationship because of them and this can negatively affect their self esteem.

When it comes to being in a relationship with a single parent, there are tons of benefits. Not only do you gain someone you love, but you also get beautiful children as well. At the same time, it can also be emotionally-draining.By communicating with your partner and their children, you can develop a healthy relationship and possibly grow to become a family.

Thank you Kevin and good luck with your new relationship, your going to do just fine! I told you dating a single mother would change your life forever! WOW LOOK AT YOU! ;op

Being a single mom and rising a biracial child.

I found this article to be very interesting! We all know there are many men and women who are raising biracial children, this is for all the single parents who maybe rising a biracial child!    

Elaine is a woman who had been involved with a man who left her a couple of months after learning she was pregnant with his child. She is white, and because he is black, she wants to know how to bring cultural richness to her daughter's life. But she also faced another dilemma: Her mother refuses to have anything to do with her or the baby, who will be biracial.

Aside from seeking out local churches, schools, community centers, and a local African American Resource Center, she still seeks advice on enriching her child’s life and how to deal with her mother’s attitude.

Here are some suggestions from single parents in similar circumstances.Vicki C. Daughtry of San Diego, a single mom raising her 16-year-old biracial daughter says: “My first thought was that even if your baby’s father is  out of the picture, his family doesn’t have to be. Can you establish relationships with any members of his family? It will be helpful to your child to know her grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc., on both sides. It’s likely, too, that they will want your daughter to be part of their lives. These relationships will help to teach your daughter about her heritage, and will provide you with some emotional support.” She adds, “You may need to make it clear to them that this isn’t an effort to get your ex-boyfriend back, or to make him pay child support. Deal with him directly on the latter issue.”

 Educate yourself 

Heather Pickard of Peabody, Mass., agrees that it’s important for your child to know her heritage.  The mother of a 3-year-old son, Heather found it important to first educate herself.

“I did this by reading books and subscribing to some largely black magazines such as Essence. Since I am a full-time student, I have taken some classes on race, and courses specifically on African-American psychology and literature. This helped open my eyes to the subtle (and not-so-subtle) racism in this country, and it will help me to prepare my son for it.  I also recommend you read  40 Ways To Raise a Nonracist Child,’ by Barbara Mathias and Mary Ann French.”

Vicki too has exposed herself and her daughter to African American
Literature, theater, film and more. “It’s important for you and for her to see a broad spectrum of culture and talent.”

 

Start mingling

“Don’t stop there, however, this won’t work if all of your contact with the black community is through a screen or a book. If you don’t have them already, get out and make friends with people of color who will be positive role models for her,” urges Vicki.

When you begin dating again, don’t assume that an African American boyfriend fills this particular bill.  You need a supportive community of friends of (many races.)

Heather, Vicki and other parents offer similar advice when it comes to
dealing with the new mother’s mom, who won’t give herself to the grandmother role.

Heather has been fortunate to have an accepting family. 

“Both my parents supported my decision to give birth to a biracial child outside of marriage.”

Vicki adds: “By now you may have given birth to your baby.  Your mother’s attitude may have improved when she saw the baby in your arms instead of seeing the idea of biracialism in an abstract sense.  Even if your mother still wants nothing to do with the baby, give the situation time.  Your mother’s love for you may overcome her prejudice.”

But if this doesn’t happen, you can explain to your child that your
mother’s ideas about race differ from yours.

Susan, another mom raising a biracial child who is estranged from her grandmother told her daughter, “Even though my mother raised me, and I love her, she has different ideas about race than I do because of the way she was raised.”

The True DL Brother! By: Anonymous Writer

                                          

This story is one that many of us ladies really need to read!

   Tamara is single mother of three, and she was dating this man Sammy for two years. Sammy was everything most women want in a man – he was good looking, employed, a home owner, had a car and attended church regularly. In all of Tamara’s past relationships, she found herself either financially broke or mentally scarred. Sammy was a positive influence in Tamara’s life.  Anything she wanted, he made sure she had it!  Tamara’s dream was always to buy a home, and with Sammy’s help she built a sensible budget plan that was easy for her to stick to. In just a few months, she purchased her home!  She never felt so much love and respect for any man before in her entire life!

   Sammy was the type of guy who always dressed very well and kept up with his appearance at all times.  Wherever they went, women were always staring at him, which is what attracted Tamara to Sammy in the first place!  In the beginning of their relationship, Tamara and Sammy did everything together, and it was around this time that Tamara learned that her man loved manicures and pedicures. This took Tamara off guard since she had never met a man who was into doing that, however, she never questioned him about it because to her it all made sense.  This was just a part of what always made him look so good!  She just chalked it up to her man being a metro sexual male, and she could live with that. Tamara had everything she had always wanted: healthy children, a good job, a beautiful home, and a fine ass man that loved not only her, but her three children as well!  What more can a sista ask for?

She was the envy of all her girlfriends.  Every time she received flowers at work from Sammy, all her co-workers would be envious too.  Life couldn’t get any better.  Tamara knew she was blessed, and she wasn’t going to let anyone make her feel bad about all her blessings.  If people only knew some of the hell she has been through in the past, they would know it was time for her blessings to come, and they would be happy for her! Tamara also felt life was too short to worry about what other people thought about her!

    Around Christmas time Tamara received a call from one of her girlfriends, telling her that she had heard that Sammy was GAY! Tamara wasn’t trying to hear what her so-called girlfriend had to say.  Hell, her friend Stacy was always in everybody’s business, and this wasn’t the first time Tamara’s friends made comments about Sammy being bi or gay.  After Tamara’s brother met Sammy, he was the first to have  something to say about Sammy being too much like a BITCH for him! Tamara wasn’t even trying to hear her brother’s comments – after all he had seven kids he needed to worry about rather than being all up in her business! Driving up to her beautiful home and seeing Sammy with her kids, playing and laughing, a feeling of pure happiness came over her.  NO ONE WAS GOING TO TAKE HER JOY AWAY FROM HER!  

   Sammy had a friend in town named Perry, who used to be a male dancer, and now he owned his own male dancing company.  Perry was real cool.  He always brought the kids some toys when he came into town.  He would always take Sammy and Tamara out to dinner, but on this night he announced to them both that his player days were over and he was getting married!  Sammy and Tamara were so happy.  She was hoping this would also give Sammy thoughts of doing the same thing with her. The next day, however, Tamara could sense something wasn’t right with Sammy’s attitude toward the kids.  He was never ever short with the kids, but this day he just kept screaming and yelling at her kids. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what his problem was.

   Tamara went ahead to work, but all day long she kept thinking about Sammy and what his problem might be.  She knew that everything seemed to change when Perry announced he was getting married last week.  After that Sammy started getting annoyed with everything and everybody. Tamara wanted to call her close friend to tell her what was happening, but she had learned from past experiences that you don’t always need to run and tell your friends or family members your business.  Tamara started thinking about all of this so much that she could no longer concentrate on her job and actually had to leave work early.  When she got home, Tamara found herself going up to the bedroom to look through all of Sammy’s things.  Of course, she couldn’t find anything.  She decided that she would call him on his job. She called and spoke to the receptionist, who told Tamara, to her surprise, that Sammy was no longer employed with the company.  Tamara found out that Sammy had stopped working at the job for about a month.  Tamara now felt that it all made sense to her why Sammy was having an attitude all the time with her and the kids.  Tamara didn’t understand why Sammy couldn’t just tell her what was going on.  Deep down inside she was so happy not to have to worry about Sammy and his sexual preference.  She knew her man was just that - a man!  

   The next day, Sammy told Tamara that he had a job interview with a car dealership for a position as a salesman and would return around noon.  Tamara got the kids off to school, but didn’t tell Sammy that she had already scheduled for a day off from work.  She had a surprise for him.  Tamara thought she could go to the grocery store while Sammy was at his interview and pick up all his favorite foods.  She planned a wonderfully romantic lunch followed by a passionate afternoon of lovemaking.  As she drove to the grocery store, Tamara’s mind was totally on her wonderful new life, her future, and her love for her wonderful man.  While selecting her purchases, Tamara took a moment to give Sammy a call and say “I love you,” but the cell went directly to voice mail.  While it was a little unusual for Sammy’s phone to be turned off like this, Tamara figured that he wouldn’t want an interruption during his interview, so she didn’t really think much of it. 

   On the way home, Tamara thought about all the things she had to do to get ready.  In addition to showering, and getting her hair and face done, she also had to decide which of her “Vickie’s Secrets” lingerie sets she wanted to wear for her man.  She was getting very excited as she turned down her street and approached the house.  She was surprised to see Sammy’s car parked in the driveway and a gold Mercedes parked directly behind it.  Rather than pull into her own driveway, Tamara’s first thought was to pull ahead two houses up the street and park behind old Mr. Wyatt’s Lincoln Town Car.  Fighting all the conflicting thoughts that were now racing through her head, Tamara forced herself to think only of getting into the house and finding out who’s Mercedes was parked in her driveway. 

   Tamara slowly opened the front door and stepped into the foyer.  From upstairs she heard a strange man’s voice followed by that of her boyfriend, in an obvious state of extreme arousal.  Her mind racing, Tamara softly kicked off her shoes and quietly proceeded up the stairs, her thoughts kicking into overdrive, running on pure instinct.  As she approached the top of the staircase, she distinctly heard the strange male voice say, in a low, guttural voice, “That’s right, suck it, you little bitch!”  Her boyfriend’s answering moans were all Tamara needed to hear.  She ran to their bedroom door and yanked the door open.  She stared at the scene in front of her in utter disbelief.  There in front of her very eyes was Sammy, completely naked, on his knees in front of a tall, blue-black, bald headed Adonis.  The man’s enormous cock was rapidly sliding in and out of Sammy’s mouth, his left hand firmly gripping the back of Sammy’s head as his hips thrust savagely forward and back.  Quite obviously, neither was aware that Tamara had entered the room.  Sammy pulled his head back and cried out passionately, “Oh, God, Bernard, PLEASE stick it in my ass…fuck me in my ass, baby – PLEASE!”  As Tamara watched, mouth open in complete shock, Bernard grabbed Sammy around the waist and lifted him right off the floor.  Turning him toward the steel footboard of their iron bed, Bernard growled, “Grab on, Bitch!  I’m gonna fuck the shit outta your tight little ass.  You’re gonna cum so fucking hard!  Here it is for you, cock suck’n bitch!  You ready?”

   Tamara had seen enough!  Bending over, she vomited onto the carpet.  Sammy and Bernard simultaneously jerked their heads around in total surprise.  Wiping the back of her hand across her mouth, Tamara came at her boyfriend, both fists flying.  The utterly shocked Bernard backed instantly away, reaching down for his clothes, which were scattered around the bedroom floor.  Biting, screaming, and kicking, Tamara spit in Sammy’s face.  As he flinched away, Tamara balled her fist and hit him squarely in the mouth.  Grabbing both of Tamara’s wrists, Sammy swung Tamara around and threw her onto the bed.  “Look, baby,” Sammy stammered, “it’s not what you think!”  Tamara couldn’t believe he had the nerve to tell her that what she was seeing wasn’t what she thought it was!

   Tamara got up from the bed and looked at herself in her mirror.  Her hair was disheveled, her make-up was badly smeared, and spots of puke and saliva covered her blouse.  She stared into the face of a woman whose world had suddenly come completely unraveled.  The man she thought she loved, the man who she had allowed around her young children, the man who only hours before had had his penis inside her had turned out to be a raging faggot!  What possible diseases had she exposed herself to by being with this man?  How could she have been taken so completely off guard?  Standing in front of the mirror, Tamara had to grudgingly admit to herself that she had, in fact, been suspicious before.  Yes, she had been suspicious – and she had chosen to ignore her misgivings.  She was nearly as angry at herself as she was at Sammy!

   Tamara had been so lost in her own personal nightmare that she didn’t even realize that Sammy had been speaking to her.  Turning, she stared straight into his eyes.  He was a stranger to her.  Her desire to do something completely outrageous, like finding the nearest sharp object and cutting off his balls was suddenly replaced with an overwhelming desire to have him as far away from her as possible.  They were OVER!  They were SO OVER!  “Get out of my house,” she said evenly.  It seemed as if a sudden calm had settled over her.  She felt more in control.  “Just get your shit, and get the fuck outta here.”  Tamara knew there was no turning back from this, and that was fine.  It was about her now – her and her children, her health, and her happiness.  Nothing else mattered.  “You need to just let me explain…” Sammy began, but Tamara cut him off.  She was not interested.  Slowly, Tamara walked past Sammy and out of the bedroom.  Descending the staircase, she made her way through the living room to the foyer, opening the front door.  Turning back toward the stairs, Tamara called out, “You got two minutes to get your faggot ass out my house!”

For Tamara, the new day had begun.

Your true life stories are needed!

I am currently working on new stories and if you have any stories or great articles you would like to share please feel free to submit your stories to theessenceofone@gmail.com.

Single moms raising girls to remain single! By Audrey Irvine

Audrey Irvine's father died when she was 3, leaving her mom to raise three kids
Mom struggled and made sure her daughters knew how to support themselves
Irvine wonders whether single moms unwittingly raise their daughters to be single

"Nightline" dedicated a show recently to this situation, offering the explanation that the available pool of successful black men is rather slim. The 2000 U.S. Census also found 1.8 million more African-American women than black men. A recent Yale study found that 42 percent of African-American women are unmarried, compared with 23 percent of white women.

I know the numbers don't lie, but after talking with friends, I realized there is another factor that has nothing to do with race. As the daughter of a single parent, I wonder whether are we raising our daughters to be single as well.

My father died when I was 3, leaving my mother to raise three kids on her own. My mother was adamant about raising her kids to be independent, self-sufficient members of society. I remember while growing up always hearing "find a way to take care of yourself and have your own."

My mother would punctuate each comment with the reminder that she had to figure it out after my father died. She did not want to see her children face the same fate.

Parents instill their unrealized hopes and dreams into their children's future. But it is also possible to fill us with their fears. I didn't realize that I was the byproduct of my mother's obvious fear that her kids would somehow be unprepared for the struggles and heartache that she had faced.

Years later, I recall having a great conversation with my mother on how she met my father. I always cherished those moments when she would share any detail about him. While telling this story, my mother's face lit up and she was laughing, then she started to cry. I realized that 30 years later, she still missed him.

She felt cheated because he had left so soon. I knew at that moment that my mother had filled me with her anger and sadness over losing my father. I realized I had never been told by my mother what to expect from a man, so all this time I had been flying blind.

What about those women who had to grow up hearing complaints that their father was never around. What about those mothers who have faced a bitter divorce? Are they projecting all their drama on their kids as well? Has this created a generation of hurt, angry women who only know how to be single?

One of my girlfriends is the product of divorce. She lived with mother, who took every opportunity to talk badly about her father. When her father remarried, her mother became bitter.

She would make disparaging comments about the new wife, calling their marriage a sham. At no point did my girlfriend receive any positive feedback about her father. She has since spent the longest time avoiding any man that reminds her of her father.

I won't say that my childhood experience is the sole reason for all the other unmarried successful women. However, it does provide some potential insight as to what may be holding women back from finding that potential mate.

Before my mother died three years ago, we were able to have the conversation I wished I had had as a teenager. I got to hear that my father was a humble, hardworking man with an incredible sense of humor.
She was finally able to hang up her fears and let me know that the man I am looking for is still out there. Despite the statistics that are thrown our faces daily, I remain hopeful knowing that my parents will be proud when that choice is made.

When a woman starts to mature! Miss Tee

Recently I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine, and I was explaining to him all these questions, I’ve been having within myself about my relationships with my female friends.  My friend explained to me that I’m now going thru a Maturation process (to mature).  After paying my bills, trying to raise my kids, going to work and trying to keep my car running etc…. How much more maturing could I do at 38 years old?

After thinking long and hard about my friends comment I started to understand exactly what he was talking about! I also see my maturation process as revolution of things that I see in my life that I now need to change. I never knew how scary it could be to start a new chapter in my life!

Over 28 years I have had many women as friends and I also had many issues with women, and I continue to try to develop some type of a friendship with women I have in my life now. I felt more comfortable growing up and hanging out with guys then girls. Boys were always easy to get along with. I never had to worry about dudes stabbing me in my back or talking behind my back! Hanging out with guys always got me into many fights with other girls. I also found out that once a girl gets to know you the will always change towards you and let their guard down.

From as far back as I can remember I’ve always had a strong dislike for women. I never fully trust a woman! My older sister was and is my best friend. So there was never a need to have a girlfriend. Once my sister got into a serious relationship that all changed and I found myself looking for a friend and I found one. This girl was cool, we hung out, gossiped, partied; we got into fights with other girls and we tossed guys around like we were playing basketball! This was a whole new world for me because this girl had my back like no other person has ever had my back before.

I would never allow anybody to say or do anything bad to my new best friend. Of course all that changed once my best friend started hanging out with some other girls who didn’t like me. She started talking behind my back until one day it all went down and I whipped her ass! From then on I’ve always had my guard up with other girls. Having a female for a friend is the hardest thing to do. It can sometimes be harder than making a relationship work with a man!

You would think after 28 years things would’ve changed but of course they didn’t! Yes, the fighting part stops because I realize as I got older it would take an emergency room trip to heal me!
What I’ve learned so far in my life is that it wasn’t my so call friends but me and my lack of understanding what a true friend is or how to be a true friend myself. It’s truly important for any woman to have some type of camaraderie with other women.

Have you ever had a moment where you went through something in your life, and then you often wondered if maybe another woman had went through that same experience too?  Have you ever had a moment in your life where you had a conversation with another woman who was a stranger, and from your conversation you find that you shared the same experiences? When an experience like this happens they were meant to happen! It’s so very important that we as women have those moments with each other. For a woman like me (with so many women trust issues), I find that these type encounters this gives me strength and a better understanding about other women.

 I worked for 8 years in the corporate world, and from working in that type of environment, I saw that my relationships with women had changed. I was then surrounded by women who were educated and mature. I was very excited to be around these types of women like myself, who was always striving to better themselves and always doing exciting and interesting things! I was beginning see that there was a BIG difference between mature women and girls.

Then I started getting to know these ladies after having many conversations with them. I found that even a well educated woman could sometimes be lacking confidences within themselves. This would lead some of the ladies in the office to take on that caddy, childish attitude to talk behind each other’s back by making comments about other women’s outfits, their husband or man and other women’s job performance etc…. This blew my mind, here I was working with women who carried themselves like Michelle Obama and acted like Shay-naa! You would never think ladies like that could be so petty and lack such confidence. Speaking from my own personal experiences, professional black sisters are notorious for this, and me being a black woman myself I can say this!

After writing my long blog, I have learned that it’s not about the ladies I tried to be friends with or me not knowing how to be a friend. It’s about me understanding who I am, I am a strong woman who appreciates all women but understand that we all have our flaws and we never stop growing. I will continue to look for the moments when I can meet another female, and just maybe that day I can pass on my experiences in our sisterhood!