Single men who manage to make it past 40 eventually come to the realization at some point that their “demographic” of eligible women changes. When you were in your twenties and, in many cases, your thirties as well, most of the women you dated were like you – single, childless, and looking for that special person who just might be “the one.” However, as you progress into your 40’s and beyond, the “dating pool” you’re jumping into has an increasing number of women accompanied by one or more “little swimmers.” Women with children present a whole new set of challenges for a single man in search of a long-term partner. It’s not always an easy situation to step into.
Now, let me state up front that I am approaching this topic from the perhaps increasingly rare perspective of a single man who has no children of his own. From my experience, this aspect of my “profile” has often been the “red flag” that popped up faster than any other with women who were getting to know me. Still, there are many of us out there, and, for whatever reason, we are in the interesting position of entering into relationships with women who bring with them a ready-made family! Often, there are pitfalls for the guy, and, frequently, these can be painful.
While I have had several experiences with women who had kids, one, in particular, taught me that, for the man, it’s often difficult to know just exactly what the women in question is really looking for. “Charisse” had three very small children, ages 6, 3, and 13 months. She was in the middle of an extremely nasty divorce. Because of some spousal abuse just prior to the separation, her soon to be ex was forbidden from coming within 200 yards of the house. He was required to continue all house payments and supply child support money through the duration of the separation. As a result, Charisse did not have to work and spent a majority of her time at home, taking care of the two youngest children, while the 6 year old was in school. It soon became clear to me that she was very grateful to have someone with her, as she was very scared about staying alone in the house. She also had evidence that her husband had sexually abused two of the three children, and she was terrified that she would lose the fight for custody. When the restraining order finally expired (approximately 2 months after we had begun seeing each other) and the divorce had not been settled, she decided to flee the country with her kids.
Obviously, I could not accompany her, and had to watch this woman that I cared very much for walk out of my life – I thought, forever. As it turned out, her husband chased her all the way to Ireland, where the whole business went to family court there! Ultimately, Charisse returned to the States a couple months later, where she told me that she was wrong to lead me to believe that we ever had any sort of future together. While this was a devastating thing to be told after all I had been through with this woman, it taught me several valuable lessons about becoming involved with women who have children.
One thing a man who enters into this kind of relationship must always remember is that those kids will always be their mother’s number one priority. They are more important than you are, and they will forever be more important! A mother will do anything to protect those kids from harm, so park your ego at the door and accept that! If you can’t, better look elsewhere. The kids come first. If this isn’t the case, there’s a serious problem.
My unhappy experience also taught me that it’s important to ascertain the woman’s intentions in terms of a relationship. How quickly she allows you around those children should be an indicator. Generally, responsible women wait a fairly long time and are well into the relationship before even entertaining the idea of bringing a man around their children, particularly if they are quite young. Of course, with older kids – say teen years and up – this varies. If women are extremely eager to have you staying the night and being around the children, particularly after only a short period of time, you might want to take a minute and ask yourself why.
For me, kids’ behavior has frequently been a deal breaker. I know very few men who are willing to put up with spoiled or disrespectful children. That gal may be Eva Longoria’s long lost twin sister, but if those kids are brats, it’s gonna be awfully hard to take. It is also, in most cases, a very great mistake for the guy to immediately fancy himself the house disciplinarian. It’s a slippery slope, gentlemen. Even if the mother welcomes the assistance, the children, particularly if they’re a bit older, are bound to resent some man “not their father” attempting to exert his authority over them. What’s worse, the mother may possibly be dense enough not to realize just how awful her kids really are, and then she resents your stepping in as well. And God help you if you raise a hand to them. Plan to be shown the door, and quickly. All this is reason enough why a woman with well-behaved and respectful children is always preferable.
Ultimately, communication, as is the case with so many other aspects of a relationship, is extremely important in the early stages of involvement with a woman who is a single mother. Remember that she and the kids are a package deal! Talk to your girl about her children and get to know them first, through her. Treat your woman with respect, and let the children see you treat her with respect. Sometimes, that can go along way towards helping them accept and respect you. Talk to them, and listen when they talk to you. When kids are older, it can be more of a challenge because of all the emotional baggage they may be carrying around, particularly if the separation or divorce is fairly recent. Again, discussing this sort of thing with the woman early on helps the guy to understand the situation and decide whether or not it is right for him. Obviously, the more you know in the beginning, the greater is your chance for happiness with a woman who has children. If approached with intelligence and common sense, it can be an extremely rewarding experience for all involved.
